sanity

sometimes, it takes a good amount of distraction to keep you sane.

my prescription tonight was two back-to-back episodes of grey's anatomy season 3. it feels good to know that other people's lives, however fictional they are, are much more complicated than yours.

one character in episode one said she thinks they're still in high school, only with scalpels.

i think my life's that way too.

only mine is with dvc tapes, a computer, a keyboard, and lots of yelling and words and bond paper and masking tape and cables and plasma monitors and dealing with people.

and i just had an epiphany that september really is the crappiest month of my year, every year. it always was. i just didn't notice it before. and the funny thing is, i always, always, never do anything to change it.

i'm turning 30 in a few months but i don't give a rat's ass. at least that's what i'd like to think.

sometimes perspective comes when you least expect it.

it just hit me that i'm still a kid, trying to be an adult, trying to know what there is to know, and not look stupid in the process.

and i told marlin the other day that i stopped counting my age when i turned 21.

it's funny because when people ask me how old i am, i unconsciously count it.

but i take comfort in the knowledge that when you feel young, you always will be. so i try to fight it when the world tells me to grow up, step to the plate, make plans, be decisive...

and i always remember what a friend's mom told me once -- that when you love someone, keep a little love for yourself.

now i'm learning that people will be people. and being that way, people will be cruel. they will be nice. they will love you and betray you and they will be there when you need them and they won't when you need them the most.

they will make you cry. they will make you laugh. they will make you believe. and painful as it may seem, the reality is that they will hurt you in ways that you can't even imagine, no matter how much they say they love you.

and conversely, like it or not, you will fail others too.

we are, all of us, all too human.

- 3:10 am -

ps: sorry for the negativity. i'd like to think that it takes a good amount of insanity too to keep your mind intact.